At First You Don't Succeed
by Kohakubear
Summary: Pre-Fablehaven, Patton tries to woo the girl of his dreams, does it work? Well.../ ONESHOT /


_Disclaimer: I don't own Fablehaven or the lovely characters, but nothing could stop me from fantasizing about these lovely losers 3 I wrote this a little while ago, so apologizes for it not being the best it could be, hope you enjoy it regardless!_

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"It sounds like he's choking on nails." He heard a voice mutter as he paused for breath.

"Is he trying to kill the fish?"

"Or us."

A different naiad snorted, "hypocrite I'd say, and he tells us off for trying to drown him."

"Why won't he stooooooop?" One of them moaned.

Safe inside his rowboat, in full control of the oars, he couldn't help but smile as the group of naiads regained their motivation and attempted to send him to a watery grave. They had a special place lined up for him no doubt. The boat thrashed and tipped left then right, water churning around him. The wood moaned with the desperate movements, matching with the hissing of irritation from below. Patton sat wistfully, compensating with an air of grace that could only come from hours upon hours of practice and near-death experiences. Knowing this recent burst of energy wouldn't last very long, he leaned back just a tad and then to the right as the boat shifted. He used the oars to help balance.

"My singing couldn't have been that bad hm?" He asked generally, to the ones trying to kill him, "My friend says I have a lovely voice and I'd take her word more than anyone's."

The naiads did not seem to agree. "Then she's lying to you."

"She should be drowned too." Another muttered.

Patton let out a mock wounded sound, before slapping away a watery hand from the oars. "If that's how it is then…" He trailed off into silence. His next statement came out in a cheery boom, "Than I will have to try harder!"

"Noooo!" Several of the naiads squealed at the same time, but it was already too late.

Patton sung as loud as he possibly could, noting the how the attacks on the boat slowed so he took the opportunity to paddle further into the lake. "WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?"

He lifted the oars in a quick movement as naiads on both sides attempted to grab them, leaving their slimy arms exposed. _Smack!_ He managed to slap one lightly. A scream of irritation followed.

"WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?"

He sang purposely loud and off tune. Even if it was asking for trouble. He knew a certain special naiad was down there somewhere with her sisters, after all the racket he was making it would be impossible not to notice… Patton smiled, using the oars to propel himself forward. Now all he had to do was be patient.

The boat tipped to the left. He leaned to the right.

The boat tipped the right. He leaned to the left.

Patton paused in his song. "You could at least push the boat to match with my song, it's important in life to stay in sync. Try a little harder this time my dears."

He cleared his throat and began. The boat smacked to the right in the middle of his toneless music, cutting him off as he almost bit his tongue. Smirking laughter echoed around him. Unfazed, Patton continued, making up the words as he went along in this wet battle.

"Aren't you going to do something?" One of the naiads asked. He realized she wasn't addressing him.

"You're the only one he listens to."

"Hurry up and find a way to get him to shut up."

"Or better yet, get him to lower his guard so he'll shut up forever," a different naiad cackled.

There was a chorus of shushing.

Then silence.

Patton gradually stopped singing.

A new naiad who hadn't spoken previously before filled in the gap with a melodic question. "Why do you do such things, human?"

 _Lena_! He thought with a thrill.

"We have been over this my lovely Lena, my name is Patton." He allowed the boat to drift sideways, the boathouse a good handful of paces ahead in a parallel direction. The source of her voice could not yet be determined so he resisted the urge to look over the edge of his protection. He ceased paddling, "Perhaps you aren't comfortable with using names, but it would mean much to me if you used mine."

"I find no reason to." The naiad said plainly.

"Why not?" He questioned.

"Because you are irritating."

Patton let this sink in for a moment, before filling the lake with echoes of his good-hearted laugher. "I'm must apologize," he said after catching his breath. "I didn't realize."

Hands grasped the sides of his boat. He made no move to combat them.

"I'll ask my question again, and I'll ask it slowly human so you will be able to understand." Lena said, tone a mixture of exasperation and annoyance, "Why… won't…you…leave…me….alone…?" Each word was drawn out in such a fashion as if she were talking to a confused satyr, though Patton did not feel offended in the least. She was talking to him. Talking! And more than the usual, "just be quiet!" imperatives.

"Because you are very special, beautiful and simply divine," he started in a softer tone, "and it would be against everything I am if I were simply to let you go."

A lengthy silence followed.

Another naiad—to the distance right it seemed—swore, something he wasn't able to make out.

When Lena failed to reply, Patton leaned toward the hands still clutching the side of his vessel. "Alright… let's make a deal then lovely Lena, if you look me in the eyes, I will leave for today and I will never sing that song again."

He could feel the naiad debating it, although he was a little distracted by the frequent heavy pounding of his heart which sounded far louder than usual. The hands gripped harder. He could feel the boat tipping in her direction. Patton held his breath. She was coming up!

He saw the top of her head when everything changed dramatically. The naiads all came together to push the boat in Lena's direction as she was already tipping it down, breaking his balance so radically, Patton believed for a spilt second that drowning while trying to win the heart of his lady would actually be the cause of his death. Instincts took over. He threw himself the right. Grasping the oars so tight the color escaped from his hands, he used them to keep himself from falling forward. Slimy hands were everywhere. They attempted to grab him. He smacked them back. Back and forward the boat rocked as if it were on a cliff's edge. Patton grunted with effort, not even attempting to pray as all his attention was put into keeping himself from joining the naiads in their pool of death. Neither he nor the naiads spoke. It was deadly game of concentration.

He didn't know how long it lasted. When it was clear Patton wouldn't be joining their collection today, the group issued loud complaints and screeches, which still echoed in his ears as he made his way into the boathouse. Securing his boat, he collapsed onto hard, dry land, the world still spinning around him.

He laid there for a while, breath coming in heaving gasps. "Well at least I have an interesting opening for my journal today… "April the 2nd, the Love of my Life Tried to Kill Me."


End file.
